No one is coming

No one is coming to save me. No one is coming to offer me enlightenment. No one is coming to repair the fissures in my relationships. No one is coming to find me a new job or pay off my student loans or move me out of Oakland, into a city I want to call home.

No one is waiting in the wings to deliver me a new life.

The expectation that a force outside of me will swoop down with coveted answers and direction must be allowed to wither and die.

 My unconscious mind may see the relinquishing of influence over my own life as a shiny temptation, a soft pillow to lean against, a sigh of relief. But the decision to favor passivity and find safety within walls built by another, must be reversed if I am serious about living a life of purpose.

Purpose, influence, enlightenment – what do these words even mean nowadays? Diluted by mainstream overuse online and spiritual jargon, it is difficult to reclaim their essence. For me at least.  

I am learning that my purpose is defined by the quality of my presence.

Thich Nhat Hanh said, “The quality of our presence is the most positive element that we can contribute to the world.” I have been sitting with this quote for 4 years and have barely grasped it, but here’s what I’ve got:

If purpose is defined by the quality of my presence, and the quality of my presence is currently being determined by people, situations, and factors I see as problems out of my control, its time to take control.

 It’s time to collect my problems like a bouquet of wildflowers, tie a string around the bottom, and fill a vase of water. These are mine to face, to own, to solve. To sip coffee with at the kitchen table and wake up and fall asleep beside. To deal with until they dry out and are ready for the compost.

Problems are the path to my purpose, not kindling for explanations of why I didn’t or couldn’t.

A few months ago, I decided to face my mounting problem of student debt, something I’ve been in denial about for the past decade. Until now, I’ve been enrolled in a discounted loan forgiveness program with the federal government which requires 10 years of public service. I’ve nearly completed 5 years. This program continues to be tied up in court and has an uncertain future.

I normally avoid looking at the sum of money I owe for degrees completed lifetimes ago because it makes me feel powerless and angry. It also makes me feel like a victim to a corrupt system, and resentful that the next 5 years of my life will be controlled by this.

However, the truth is, I borrowed the money and received a wonderful education because of it.

No one is coming to save me from those decisions. No one is coming to pay it back on my behalf - especially not the federal government.

Do I have $150,000+ to put towards student loans? No.

But I do have the ability to seriously cut back on spending and chip away at it over time. I have the ability to act in a way that determines and prioritizes the quality of my presence, the extent of my freedom.

Forfeiting the loan forgiveness program and its 10-year work requirement means I will be free to explore any job I want and version of life I can dream up. I can move abroad and accept work that pays less but is more enjoyable. I can get married or have a family or change careers or buy a house without the burden of debt hanging over me. I can define the life I create without blaming an external entity for the outcome.  

A joyous awakening rather than a posture of defeat. An empowered reckoning with truth and acceptance of life as it is.

The loans are just one example of how the “no one is coming to save me” principle shows up, and how the quality of our presence can be determined by taking responsibility.

A more basic way is through our mood.

Voltaire said, “The most important decision you will ever make is to be in a good mood.”  

Your mood, your decision. The good news is you get dozens of opportunities to practice this one every day.

If you want to get free, you have to GET FREE. You have to let go, and get going at the same time.

I have to pay off my student loans on my own. I have to take responsibility for my mood, my relationships, the outcomes of my decisions, and how I show up in the world. I have to take ownership of the problems I’m letting determine the quality of my presence.

No one is coming to do the work meant for me.

Which is a relief, because I’m already here holding a fistful of wildflowers nearly ready for the compost and another fistful of fresh pickings.